Posted by Diana Mercer on Wed, May 16, 2012 @ 06:54 PM
I went to a meeting today with the Honorable Thomas Trent Lewis at the Los Angeles Superior Court. He wanted to update the family law bar, forensic accountants, and custody expert witnesses about what exactly is going on at the court given all the budget cuts.
It was pretty interesting. Infuriating, but interesting.
Background below. Here's what made me nuts:
The Judge said something to the effect of: we've all made a lot of money off this system and it's treated us well over the years (NOTE: that is pretty much a quote--seriously). At the moment, it's time to try and settle some cases to help us get rid of some of this backlog and to deal with the budget cuts [and go back to making money off the system when some of this is cleaned up].
I thought my head was going to blow off.
Aren't ethical lawyers supposed to try and settle cases if they can be settled without having to go to court, provided that justice will still be served?
What I interpreted was, "Settle a couple of your money makers and we'll all get back to normal." That is my interpretation--that is not what he said. But it's what he implied, IMHO.
My colleague said, "I wonder if they'll refer cases to mediation since they're so backed up?"
So I said, "Let's ask!" So she very bravely asked the Judge if the court would be referring cases to mediation. And he said "Oh yes!" and named off a bunch of last-minute, knock-heads style "mediation" efforts that will be forced upon litigants who are scheduled for trial to see if they can settle.
In these "mediations" everyone is being paid except the mediator. The mediator is a volunteer....who probably isn't really a mediator, but an experienced litigation attorney who maybe had mediation training and maybe did not, and who maybe has experience mediating and maybe does not.
He wasn't talking about early intervention mediations. And I clarified with him, and asked, "We're talking about private mediations," to which he responded in a hostile tone, "That is YOUR marketing problem."
Wow.
I thought maybe the court would finally embrace mediation as a way to help people stay out of court......if only because it would help the court balance its budget. But no. Even the judges realize that the true money is to be made when people hire lawyers and go to court, and they're not going to do anything to jeopardize even $1 of those legal fees in order to help the people who really need to go to court get there? Wow.
Wow. I feel so naive. Usually the judges will at least pay lip service to mediation and other ADR processes which help people stay out of court. I guess not this time.
Here's a bit of background:
The Los Angeles Superior Court has had $118 million in budget cuts. They were able to cut $70 million by attrition and other measures which meant they didn't have to lay off a bunch of people. But that leaves $48 million still to be cut....and probably an additional $30 million (for a grand total of $78 million still to be cut) given Governor Brown's budget cut news of just a couple of days ago.
They just canceled every single trial date starting July 2, 2012. So if you've been getting divorced for 2 or 3 years and you finally have a trial date....you don't have a trial date anymore. Here's the official court order on vacating trial dates.
The Burbank court has been closed, and their cases have been moved to Pasadena.
They're cutting non-courtroom staff, which means processing paperwork is going to take even longer than the 4 months it currently takes to process stipulated judgments. That's not much of a reward for staying out of court and settingling out of court, now is it?
They're closing 1 courtroom in the downtown courthouse. That's not too bad, except for the judges who'll have to take over the 1400 cases assigned to that courtroom (I'm guessing here...but I'm sure it's quite a few, given that 41,000 divorces are filed in LA County every year and there are about 30 family law courtrooms). Never mind the backlog of cases. So maybe that number is more like 2000. I can't be sure, and try as I might to find the statistics, the court information office won't answer my questions and I can't find it online.
There's a new trial court and they're trying to expedite cases through the system....but hey, I used to work there and I witnessed the work environment and push to be mediocre. If you were outright terrible, you'd get fired (but that didn't happen very often). If you were really good, and tried to change things, you also go fired. Seriously. My supervisor said I was going to get fired because I wrote a book (the manuscript was turned in before I was hired), Your Divorce Advisor, and that was practicing law and I wasn't allowed to practice law while I worked at the court. Seriously?
Anyway, thanks for listening.
Posted by Diana Mercer on Sat, May 12, 2012 @ 08:00 AM
What Causes Divorce?
When thinking about how marriages end, people often look towards distinct events like affairs or money-related problems. What we've found in our 20+ years of experience is that typically this is not the case. Divorces follow a more basic form of separation: when partners turn away from one another to seek gratification outside of the relationsip. In our experience, this “Turning” is the primary cause of divorce.
The partner who files for divorce may have a clear view of the reasons behind their decision. If you are the other half and disapprove of the split, the picture can be a bit more fuzzy. Often with reflection one can see a course of events leading up to it. What at first appears to be an abrupt decision starts to look more like a long-term deterioration. One tiny misstep or argument may have started a chain reaction that became too much for the relationship to bear.
Even though there may be a natural resistance to revisiting the past, it is important to make peace with what has happened. By analyzing the path that brought you here, you gain the peace of mind that is necessary in order to move on. The partner who intiated the divorce will get a better understanding for why they made the decision. The partner who didn't will come to realize that what they may have initially thought was preventable was actually inevitable. Turning is powerful and can happen long before anyone realizes it.
Participants in a marriage often get a myopic point of view of what is really going on. They can convince themselves that nothing is wrong when in fact the wheels are already turning against the relationship. People outside of the marriage looking in are able to see the turns--he started staying late at work, while she endlessly cleaned the house, or he played golf all weekend with his buddies while she took day trips to visit her college roommates. The turns themselves don't have to be for salacious reasons like extra-marital affairs and alcoholism. It's often something you wouldn't expect, even something positive, like vying for a promotion or taking care of the kids.
Turning is something that happens over a period of time, not something that comes from out of nowhere. You may have identified it early on, but didn't know what it would lead to. When turning occurs in a marriage--as it often does--neither partner can be held accountable.
This is not to say that arguing and disagreements are something to be avoided in a healthy marriage. In fact, it can be just the opposite. Plenty of healthy couples fight. It can be a way of bringing out issues that otherwise stay under the surface and fester. Discord on its own is not a warning sign of a looming divorce. Fleshing out arguments and coming to compromises are important exercises in any marriage.
Some helpful free resources:
It is a misconception that fighting is a real reason for a divorce. Fights happen when one partner can't meet the needs of the other. In a fight, there can be a lot of blame and shame being thrown around. Here is an example: “You never want to have sex with me during the week,” he exclaims. “Well, you leave me alone with the kids all day and by night I am exhausted,” is her retort. The argument and the words used are just symbolic of larger issues.
Let's break it down for a moment. His complaint that she doesn't want to have sex really just means that he is not getting the emotional and physical attention he needs. Her counter is that she is chasing around the kids all day, but she really means that his career demands have made it impossible for her to pursue her interests. They are both screaming for attention, but since they don't realize the impasse they have reached, instead of compromise, they only try to guilt and shame one another into seeing it their way. What if he had just said, “I wish I didn't have to work so much, that way we could regain the spark that has been missing,” to which she would reply “The kids and I miss you during the day, how about taking a day off next week?” Now there is a helpful dialogue that can lead to compromise and both of their needs being met.
Effective communication is paramount in a healthy marriage. While it is easy to make mistakes the first time around, by analyzing where the turns happened in your marriage, you can put yourself in a position to move on and prevent them from happening in the future.
Posted by Diana Mercer on Thu, May 10, 2012 @ 04:01 PM
In response to the recession, Peace Talks now offers a couple of new services.
I hope you'll keep us in mind if you come across couples needing either of the following:
1) $995 paperwork only service: for couples who already have an agreement and who just need the paperwork, we'll do all of that for $995. This is no mediation time, no contact with an attorney or mediator....just my paralegal who will do the intake and all the paperwork. She is also a trained mediator and is able to handle minor things that come up, but Plan A is that people already have an agreement.
As a practical matter, an attorney drafts the "important parts" of the Judgment. I also supervise and proofread.
2) A sliding fee scale:
This is for clients who need mediation time and our attorney-mediator + therapist-mediator team, but who legitimately aren't in a position to pay our full fee:
Sliding Scale Service Agreement: To qualify for a reduced rate, you and your spouse must have $100,000 or less in combined gross income and less than $200,000 in net assets.
Sliding Scale Rates:
Mediation time: $395 per hour (almost a 40% discount)
Petition and Response flat fee: $250
Judgment Package flat fee: $995
Posted by Diana Mercer on Thu, May 10, 2012 @ 08:00 AM
About Prenuptial Agreements
When couples start throwing around those dreaded words "prenuptial agreement" (a.k.a. prenup, prenupt, premarital agreement) the inescapable thought is, "Uh-oh, are we planning on getting a divorce?" Most people get this feeling that bringing up a prenuptial agreement is bad luck or amounts to dooming your marriage. Nothing could be further from the truth. A sound business decision and a sound personal decision don't have to be mutually exclusive.
It's important to remember that a prenup doesn't start with drafting papers in a lawyers office. It starts with a discussion. Who better to facilitate such a discussion than a qualified Family Mediator? No need to go to an expensive divorce lawyer who is out to take one side. A Premarital Agreement is a two-sided discussion, one best made when all parties are present and speaking openly about their finances and their feelings. Remember, a Mediator is there to facilitate discussion. Having someone to listen who can also give advice is better than going into battle with high-priced divorce attorneys.
This is your relationship. Wouldn't you rather have it start out with an open, frank discussion? One that can set the tone and ensure that both parties will look at divorce as a distant and unlikely scenario?
In any mediation session, I like to relate to the parties as friends. "If I were you, I'd..." Nothing binding, just friendly advice. The idea again is communication.
What I usually tell folks is: Marriages are difficult undertakings. Sharing yourself with your loved one not only involves physical and emotional love, but there's also a business angle. Having that money discussion can be devastatingly difficult, but don't let it shake you. You'll need to have much harder conversations in the future, if you are to have a successful relationship. From my experience, having these conversations brings people closer.
I've been a divorce lawyer in Los Angeles, California for over twenty years. In that time I've seen and heard just about everything. I am well-versed in the causes of failed marriages. To me, there is a pattern that is common to many divorces.
So what is this common thread? As a divorce attorney in Los Angeles, I get this question a lot. I should start by saying that divorce rarely occurs after an isolated incident, but after a systematic erosion. Just like the causes of any addiction or affair aren't usually out of the blue, divorce signals a deeper problem.
However, when we start talking about certain events that can trigger a divorce (the last straw effect), there is a common bond. In these cases, the couple has undergone a serious life change and are in a re-evaluation process. Deaths in the family, sickness, car accidents: these are all events that can trigger a life re-evaluation where a divorce is seen as necessary by one or both parties.
If your parents die, or if your child gets sick, the toll can wreak havoc and cause people to have serious doubts about their marriage. But these are all too common events in our lives. And in order to have a healthy relationship, as adults we need to be able to talk about them. Unfortunately, with the high divorce rate, we know that this can be extremely difficult, but the point is, if we can't have a simple discussion about money, how can we expect to be able to deal with these much more difficult conversations?
Couples get into trouble when they start avoiding difficult discussions like these. Particularly ones that revolve around money and property they owned or inherited before vows were exchanged.
Too often I see people in our Family Mediation Practice who are getting a divorce and the problem was communication. They were unable to have these frank discussions. By not talking about your finances at the outset of a marriage, you are embarking on a slippery slope. Talking about it is the first step and by doing so, years from now you won't have regrets, saying "I thought we agreed" on this or that. Get it out in the open. It's great practice for a successful, lasting marriage.
Even if you don't decide to put anything on paper, the discussion is still necessary. And we're here to help. Look on our site for more info about Premarital Mediation.
Posted by Diana Mercer on Tue, May 08, 2012 @ 08:00 AM
Kids and Custody
Do you remember being a kid? At my age it's a little blurry, but I can tell you that adults often misunderstand how kids behave and think. Children are often smarter and more creative than we give them credit for.
As a toddler I distinctly remember being able to understand that my Dad lost his job before my parents told me. Kids can often pick up the signs of divorce better than adults can. Being honest about it can work wonders for the whole family, but it's important to follow some guidelines when dealing with such a sensitive subject.
Don't get into the gory details about the custody dispute. Just tell them that it has begun, that you are ready to answer any questions they have. Always assure them that they can count on both parents unconditional love, however the divorce dispute turns out.
Do not involve your kids in the dispute, meaning don't use them to spy on your spouse, to act as a messenger or otherwise. You have to get your information from another source, not your kids. If no other source is available, perhaps you are blowing up a non-issue.
Never let your child's feelings stray from your mind. You want to lower the stress that the custody dispute causes them and be mindful of what they are telling you. Even with non-verbal cues, your kids can tell you a lot. They may get upset easily and express their anger to you directly. If they complain about your spouse, and your spouse reports the opposite, they could be indirectly letting you know that they are caught in a loyalty conflict.
Monitor their progress carefully. It's possible that the separation will cause developmental regression. Mood swings and acting out may result in discipline problems at school or at home. Sometimes these changes can result after one spouse moves away, or after another significant separation event. You could also see a slow deterioration into this behavior as the custody battle wears on.
If you do notice negative changes in behavior, it's important to talk to them openly (assuming they are able to) rather than point fingers. Get everyone on the same page, whether it be your spouse, your child, divorce lawyers, therapists, etc, to make sure you have a plan to facilitate your child's positive growth.
If you decide that your child is not giving you all the information you need to adequately care for their well-being, hiring a professional, such as a therapist, for individual or family sessions can be a huge help. Counseling is not a dirty word. Health is the number one priority. That includes the health of your relationships. Family comes first.
In my experience, parents can be hesitant to involve even more people in their dispute, especially if they are hiring attorneys, accountants and other professionals. With all these bills to pay, money can be an issue. It's vital to not forget your child and make sure they are getting the help they need. Even getting a neighbor or friend to talk it out can help in a big way. Having a confidential sounding board can help them let to go of pent-up emotions and enable them to cope.
As a divorce attorney and family law mediator in Los Angeles, and having seen my fair share of custody disputes, I can tell you that they can be heart-rending. A parent's love for their child is unmatched. It's this love, however, that should allow us to protect them from a long drawn out situation. The battle doesn't have to be bloody. Talking it out in Mediation is a perfect solution. Divorce Mediation Services and Family Mediation Attorneys are here to help you. Peace Talks is based in Los Angeles and is ready to help you out through this most difficult period in your family's life. Search the site for more details on custody disputes and child protection.
Posted by Diana Mercer on Thu, May 03, 2012 @ 08:00 AM
The TRUTH IS IRRELEVANT IN DIVORCE.
I know that sounds like crazy talk.
But think about it this way:
When we think of disputes, most of us think that the truth is the key to the resolution of any disagreement. Get to the truth, and you have the resolution to the conflict. Yet, despite the words of P.D.Q Bach, “Truth is just truth. You can’t have opinions about truth,” how many of us see “the truth” the same way?
Truth is said to be the foundation of the American justice system, yet how many litigants are satisfied with the outcome of the case once the judge makes a ruling? By its very nature, litigation results in at least half of the litigants being disappointed, and disagreeing with the mandated “truth”.
“I Promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth”
This oath that’s stated by every witness in an American court is designed to bring out the truth.
Honesty and veracity are important virtues--- in the courtroom and around the mediation table. A witness who is perceived to be lying on one point---even a small one---may be disbelieved in other parts of his story.
Having credibility and being believed is no less important in mediation---since mediation settlement requires voluntary agreement, you have to gain the trust of your adversary to conclude a deal. Truth is never irrelevant when you’re talking about credibility and trust.
And the truth is....
Does it really matter who downloaded the virus onto the computer system? Does it really matter how many times President Clinton was with Monica Lewinsky?
Interesting? Yes. But whichever way this testimony came out or was perceived, what truly was important went beyond the truth of this evidence. Could the President regain the trust of Congress, the Cabinet, the American people, and his wife and daughter? Could Monica Lewinsky move on with her life? What happened was that the country’s focus disintegrated into partisan bitterness, when its energy and resources would have been better spent in improving the economy or protecting our citizens from terrorist danger. That’s what happens when when the focus shifts to the wrong part of the conflict. The country focused on “the truth” and the past, rather than the bigger picture, and more important goals.
Looking at it a different way, the truth, though important, remains different for each individual and probably can't be reconciled. What really happened in the White House bathroom was less important than what President Clinton did at the infamous press conference when he pointed his finger and defiantly (and credibly) stated: “I never had sex with that woman.” His mealy-mouthed attempt to shade the facts did irreparable damage to his credibility. The truth mattered much less than the country’s trust in his credibility. By losing focus on the goals—the good of the country—President Clinton and the prosecution team did the country a real disservice, all in the name of uncovering “the truth.”
At that moment, President Clinton had other options, as we all do in the heat of conflict. He could come out fighting as he did. He could also have apologized, discussed options with his advisors, worked on his marriage, or even resigned. The fact is, he had many choices----and none of them depended on the fact-finding of past events. He had the chance to mold hot facts into future action rather than become stuck with the cold facts of the past.
YOU ALSO HAVE CHOICES
In your divorce or marital conflicts, you face the same choice. Consider your last trouble with someone you care about. How much of your conversation was debating about what caused the problem? How little attention was devoted to using the heat of your battle in building your future relationship? Looking back, what was more important and useful for the future?
The truth is irrelevant to solving a marital dispute or a dispute with your significant other. Focusing on determining the truth only mulls over past conflict, picks apart broken promises, debates claims of illegal action, and results in the wreckage of broken relationships. Instead, Alternative Dispute Resolution employed in family law mediation involves the presentation of sound legal information to aid a divorcing couple in make a solid decision that works for you, your spouse, and your children. The truth is, if the settlement works for you and your spouse, the future can be bright.
If you're seeking divorce or marital information in Los Angeles, Beverly Hills, or the South Bay, visit http://peace-talks.com or call 310-301-2100. If you're not near Los Angeles or Orange County, you can find a mediator near you at Mediate.com . For more information, visit http://www.makingdivorcework.com.
Diana Mercer is an Attorney-Mediator, and the founder of Peace Talks Mediation Services, http://www.peace-talks.com. She is the co-author of Making Divorce Work: 8 Essential Keys to Resolving Conflict and Rebuilding Your Life (Penguin/Perigee 2010) http://www.makingdivorcework.com and Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001) http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com and writes for the Huffington Post http://www.huffingtonpost.com/diana-mercer as well as her own blog Making Divorce Work http://makingdivorceworkblog.com.
Posted by Diana Mercer on Tue, May 01, 2012 @ 08:00 AM
Family Mediation and Failure
Many clients have told me that they viewed getting divorced as a their greatest failure as an adult. Even their body language told me they weren't so proud to be in my office speaking with me about it.
When you do take that oath and enter into those sacred bonds of marriage, you believe it will last forever. You never plan on getting divorced; it's dictated by circumstances that feel out of your control. However, you can take that control back in determining how to handle divorce when it happens to you.
Of course, there's always the famous “going out in a blaze” approach, which may or may not include intense gossiping, rounds of “he-said she-said” and creating a bonfire out of your spouses belongings (not an unpopular route from my experience).
Fortunately for the rest of us, there is a way that allows you to part in a respectful way that is fair to both parties, and doesn't drudge up any unecessary drama. It's called Family Mediation. It's truly divorce made easy. Or at least easier. Signing up for Family Mediation services is a way to avoid expensive trips to your swanky Los Angeles divorce lawyer.
Even if you feel you have failed as a partner in a marriage, it is still your call whether to fail at being a responsible adult. Divorce is tricky, so you want to come out of it feeling good about yourself and your history together. If you care about your relationship, give Mediation Services a shot, it could give you results that you're looking for.
A spoiled relationship is one of those things that we just can't control, at least not once it's happened and it's beyond repair. It could start with a small incident and gradually build up to a separation. It happens all the time. To call that a failure would be an injustice. What you can control is how you react to it. Working things out peacefully through Family Mediation is a way to help eliminate the burden of a drawn out divorce and still keep on good terms with your spouse.
Even the best of us get unlucky. My mother, the most kind and gentle person I ever knew, succumbed to cancer in 2010. My friend from here in Los Angeles, adopted a drug-addicted boy who is now stricken with a life threatening illness. The world is full of happenings beyond our control.
Somebody once said, “it's not success that makes us great, but how we deal with failure.” If divorce comes your way, you can greet it with strife and aggression or you can welcome it in and deal with it in a calm way that ensures you will get through it without unnecessary fallout.
Ask yourself these questions:
- · Did you give an honest effort to work out your marital woes?
- · Did you seek counseling or therapy?
- · Did you do everything within your power to save your marriage from collapse?
If you are still facing divorce after trying these three techniques then signing up for Family Mediation will allow you to complete the divorce process without the mess. Think about the times you shared with your spouse when you were at the peak of your love. Think about your children, if you have them. Opting for mediation helps you to honor your relationship with no additional harm done. No one opts into the divorce process, but when you are faced with it you can choose how to handle it and still remain a responsible, caring adult.
Posted by Diana Mercer on Thu, Apr 26, 2012 @ 08:00 AM
I know it's an oxymoron: nobody wants a divorce, so how could one be good? But when you're faced with divorce, you have lots of opportunties to make it less bad (if not actually good, at least in the long run, in hindsight).
I've been a divorce lawyer for 24 years, and expert on what works best for both parties when you're getting divorced. As a divorcee myself, I perfected a personal “what works" that helps people navigate the often rough waters of divorce.
When you're faced with a divorce or other family law case (custody, support, domestic partnership, cohabitation), you have the maximum opportunity for success in resolving everything to the best benefits through mediation.
This might sound somewhat self-interested, since I'm a full time family law mediator....but I became a mediator after giving up a very high paying divorce lawyer job because I felt it was more important to be part of the solution, and not encourage the fighting that often characterizes divorce. I traded my fancy car for a 2002 Honda Accord, and 11 years later it’s still fulfilling helping families through this difficult life transition of divorce.
Diana Mercer, Mediator
You can work through a lot of the issues you'll face with our free tools:
Here's how it works:
In mediation, you and your spouse or partner work with a neutral, unbiased professional or team of mediators. This is more often a lawyer, a therapist trained in mediation, or someone with both legal and counseling expertise. The job of the mediator in your family law case is to help you settle your differences, from cars and furniture to parenting plans for children, financial support and sharing of retirement accounts.
When considering a family law or divorce mediator, look around. Mediator styles vary. Ask your prospective mediator if a free orientation or initial consultation is available. Take time to decide what type of mediator might work best for your personal circumstances. This is an intensely personal process, so you should seek a personal connection with your chosen mediator.
A mediator’s style might include:
* Making suggestions
* Informing you about legal provisions
* Relating what others have done in your situation
* Defining your options
* Helping you consider alternative ways to resolve your problem
* Facilitating communication
* Ensuring the divorce discussion is balanced, productive, and respectful
* Writing down agreements in a cogent, easy-to-follow way
* Guiding you through court paperwork (or doing it for you)
* Mentoring your staying on task and finishing discussions, because when discussions grow difficult, it's tempting to just change the subject.
Not all mediators do all these things, so use this list as your own list of questions when considering a mediator in a divorce proceeding.
Posted by Diana Mercer on Tue, Apr 24, 2012 @ 08:00 AM
What You Need to Know About Prenuptial Agreements
Even though prenuptial agreements get a really bad rap, they're vital documents that protect both people about to enter into marriage. It's all about your approach. By having a calm and logical conversation before pulling out any documents, you stand a much better chance of keeping things civil and pleasant.
Discussing Prenups
Let's face it: talking about money with your significant other (or anyone else, for that matter) is difficult. It can be awkward and uncomfortable. What makes it worse is talking about a prenup means acknowledging the potential of divorcing one day. Not exactly how you want to start a marriage, but the sooner you get it out of the way, the better. Because this isn't about suddenly falling out of love or something like that. Things that are planted in the relationship years before cause most divorces. Whether it's unfaithfulness, spouse or child illness, or a family death, divorce can happen for a variety of reasons and is triggered by large life events or changes.
Premarital Agreement Checklist: this checklist contains very serious potential issues you could face as a couple. They'd be hard to talk about should they arise. So think of it this way: talking about how you'd divide your money and property in case of a divorce doesn't sound so bad when compared to these major life issues, right? Just try to keep things in perspective.
And let's face it: wouldn't you rather make these decisions while you love each other?
Avoiding Conflict is the Problem
Most people naturally like to avoid conflict. If it's uncomfortable; they avoid discussing it. But this could leave some vital things left hidden until it's too late to resolve amicably. Sometimes people avoid issues until they become too big and too daunting to face. And if you're on the verge of divorce, suddenly having to talk about money and who gets what can lead to animosity. That's why it's much better to figure out these issues early on, before you're married.
And think of it this way: if you can talk about a prenuptial agreement, you'll strengthen your bond and prepare your relationship to talk about anything that arises during your marriage. Life is stressful and you need to be prepared to talk about it. No matter how difficult. So get the prenup thing out of the way first. You may not even need a legal document to get this squared away. Just talking about it might be enough for you two.
Then you'll be ready to tackle the really big issues later on once you're married.
Posted by Diana Mercer on Thu, Apr 19, 2012 @ 08:00 AM
Well, there's really no improvements on divorce and custody litigation.
But mediation is definitely a better way to go. Less costly, faster, confidential, on your schedule, tailored to your needs....the benefits of mediation are pretty clear.
When you mediate your divorce, family law, custody, child support, alimony, spousal support or modification issue you don't have to go to court and waste time and money. If you've spent any time on our mediation website, you already know how passionate we are about mediation and its benefits.
A new couple came in for mediation recently. They'd already spent about $100,000 on lawyers' fees and going to court, and had gotten basically nowhere. That's not unusual forLos Angelesin terms of divorce lawyers and legal fees in court. It looks like they’ll settle their case with Peace Talks for about $5,000. We've accomplished in a few hours what the lawyers didn't do in four years. That’s the difference Peace Talks can make.
Of course, as much as I'd like to claim the credit for this breakthrough, it's because the clients are ready to settle and want to settle (although there is still a ton of conflict) that makes this possible. But still…$95,000 in savings?
At Peace Talks, we employ a sliding fee scale for divorce in California, as well as mediation services for child support, modification and other post divorce issues. We want to help people get through their divorce as peacefully as possible, so we strive to not let fees be a barrier. If you're struggling financially, let us know and if you qualify for the sliding fee, including some free services, we’ll do our utmost to help you.
Peace Talks is a business, but it's also a vision of a better way to deal with divorce.
So mediate, don't litigate. In case we haven't convinced you, here is a list of comparative benefits a mediation lawyer can provide.
- Less expensive---generally 90% less expensive--than going to court.
- Faster---mediation is on your schedule, as fast or as slow as you want. You're not at the mercy of the court's schedule.
- Preserves what's good in your relationship---do you really want to duck and cover every time you bump into a former in-law or mutual friend? And if you have kids, you and your ex-spouse are going to be co-grandparents. You've got to figure this out, and mediation can help.
- Unique to your situation---the mediation process is customized to your agenda and your needs, not the court's or the mediator's. You negotiate an agreement that's tailored to your family and unique circumstances, not just what a judge you've never met before thinks works best for you.
When children are part of the divorce proceeding, mediation is even more important and effective. Preserving or creating a good co-parenting relationship is crucial to each child's well-being. Mediation fosters this.
You would never want your divorce to hurt your child. Peace-Talks best tips:
1. Mediation teaches you how to parent with less conflict. The best predictor of how children do after a divorce is the amount of conflict between parents.
2. Mediation puts kids first but doesn't leave parents behind, either. Mediation lets you create child-focused parenting plans that are individualized to suit your kids' needs as well as yours.
3. Mediation establishes a plan without fighting. A good parenting plan let's you avoid "he said/she said" arguments. The details are already in the plan.
So, for your divorce…mediate. Don't litigate!
If you're seeking divorce information in Los Angeles, Beverly Hills, or the SouthBay, visit http://peace-talks.com or call 310-301-2100. If you're not near Los Angeles or Orange County, you can find a mediator near you at http://mediate.com. For more information, visit http://www.makingdivorcework.com.
Diana Mercer is an Attorney-Mediator, and the founder of Peace Talks Mediation Services, http://www.peace-talks.com. She is the co-author of Making Divorce Work: 8 Essential Keys to Resolving Conflict and Rebuilding Your Life (Penguin/Perigee 2010) http://www.makingdivorcework.com and Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001) http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com and writes for the Huffington Post http://www.huffingtonpost.com/diana-mercer as well as her own blog Making Divorce Work http://makingdivorceworkblog.com.