Peace Talks Blog

Mediation Training: Family Law

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Mediation Training:  Family Law

Here at Peace Talks we get a lot of questions about how to become a mediator.  For the full story, here’s a link to the “how to become a mediator” blog post.

 We also offer a mediation training program.  It’s a 25 hour program on DVD.  It also comes with a 220 page manual so you will have all of the forms and templates which we reference in the video program.

This beginning family law mediation training program was edited down from a full week 40 hour training so you get the full experience of a live mediation training without having to leave your home.

Here's an exerpt from the DVD set: 5 Sources of Conflict.  Take a look and you can see exactly what the training looks like.

In fact, there are a lot of samples from the DVD set on our Peace Talks You Tube Channel. Plus lots of other interesting stuff.

It is approved for California MCLE and I can issue a certificate of completion once you notify me that you’ve completed the entire course.

 California does not certify mediators, so this is not a “certification” course but it will satisfy the minimum requirements to sign up for most mediation panels. Here’s the link to join the Los Angeles Superior Court mediation panel: http://www.lasuperiorcourt.org/adr/forms/LAADR006.pdf For more information on the Los Angeles Superior Court mediation program, click here:  http://www.lasuperiorcourt.org/adr/UI/index.aspx

Here is a summary of the topics included:

Why mediation?

• What we will do in this training
• Value, benefits and results of mediation for mediators and clients
• Uses for mediation and mediation skills
• Who is a mediator?
• Mediation styles and signatures
• Other types of ADR

How mediation works from first contact to agreement

• Mediation process overview
• Convening
• Mediation orientations (link is a video!)
• Session structure (joint sessions, caucuses, preliminary appointments)
• When the clients arrive
• Ground rules and the agreement to mediate: the first agreements
• Therapeutic intake
• Setting the agenda

Role Play:  your first mediation session (intake through agenda)

What is conflict?

• Our values surrounding conflict
• Moore’s 5 sources of conflict
• The nature of family conflict
• Conflict resolution strategies

Negotiation techniques and demonstrations

• Interest based negotiations
• BATNA and WATNA
• Reality testing
• Doubt and dissonance
• The psycho legal approach
• Bias and impartiality
• Neutrality redefined:  invested, but not aligned or biased
• Getting to Yes
• Pacing and transitions

Mediation Planning

• Setting up success
• Case conferencing
• Evaluation and feedback

Mediation Planning role play:  the first agenda items

Communication in Mediation

• Mediator goals when listening
• Mediator goals when speaking
• Communication techniques:
• Active listening
• Summarizing, reframing and rephrasing
• Empathy
• Naming, and making the hidden transparent
• 10 Tips for asking questions
• Using neutral language

Helping clients through the process

• Mediation readiness
• Support systems
• Setting the intention

The Emotional Divorce and Mediating Solid Parenting Plans

• Ambivalence
• Grief
• Re-capitulation and Re-traumatization
• Anatomy of a parenting plan

The Legal Divorce

• Child support,
• Spousal support
• Property division                             
• Drafting agreements

 The Legal Divorce: domestic violence

 Role play: Parenting Plan Mediation

 Hot topics in mediation:  comparison of ethical standards, reporting requirements, mediation confidentiality, professional development, practice development, future trends, career opportunities

Final Role Play:  from therapeutic intake to agreement

Causes of Divorce

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What Causes Divorce?     

   You hear a lot about the reasons marriages end. Usually, fingers point to affairs or money. But marriages don’t end because of events. In 23 years of practice, we have found that divorce occurs when a couple has turned from one another and looked for satisfaction outside of the marriage. We call this turning. Turning is the cause of divorce.

            If you are the one who asked for your divorce, it may be clear to you why your marriage is ending. If you are the still-loving partner and didn’t want the divorce, looking back for the signs that led up to your spouse wanting the divorce will become clearer to you as you reflect. Marriages fall apart like erosion. The breakdown started slowly with one tiny misstep after another, until the sum of these became so large that the relationship collapsed.

            Looking back at the deterioration of your marriage is takes courage. But understanding what happens to typical couples, and what happened to you, can help normalize the situation for you, and this will allow you to move on  If you initiated the divorce, you’ll have a more clear understanding of why. And if you didn’t, the process will help you appreciate that this isn’t a sudden, single event which could have been prevented. Turning happened before either of you saw the signs or understood their gravity.

            Though the particulars vary from couple to couple, there is a predictable sequence of events that occur as a marriage breaks down.  While you’re in it, it’s difficult or even impossible to see. As outsiders, we can identify the turns—where he turned into a workaholic and she turned to redecorating the house, or when he spent all of his time coaching baseball and she spent hers lobbying for a promotion.  When spouses turn outside the marriage for satisfaction, it’s not always to drugs and sex. Often it’s something innocuous or even something positive, like working hard or focusing on the kids.  But it’s turning all the same.

            Turning is insidious and incremental, like erosion. If you’d seen it coming, either of you might have been able to stop it. Or if you saw a glimmer, you didn’t know what it was or how damaging it could be.   Turning happens, and it’s nobody’s fault

            Plenty of couples fight from time to time. Healthy arguing can be a valid and effective way for many couples to solve problems. Conflict alone doesn’t indicate that a marriage is headed for divorce. Some couples even enjoy fighting and making up.

            Forget fighting. It is very unlikely to be the real issue. Couples get into trouble because they can’t resolve how to help each other get their needs met. At this point, the fights may involve a lot of blaming and shaming. “You always go to bed two hours before I do so we aren’t having sex during the week any more,” she says. “Yeah, well if you worked, I wouldn’t have to put in all this overtime and be so exhausted,” he counters. The fight is a red herring but it does give valuable clues into what’s really going on, even if it’s not the issue which is stated.

            Think of the argument above. She’s complaining that he goes to bed too early, but what she’s really saying is you aren’t paying any attention to me anymore. His response blames her for not working, but what he’s really saying is I feel so much pressure to earn money that I don’t have any energy left over for anything else.  Help me! But because of the blame, shame and guilt overtones, this couple doesn’t hear their partner’s real concerns as a result, they failed to communicate what the other really needs to hear. If her statement had been “I am so lonely.  I love you so much and I miss you because you work all the time,” and if his statement had been, “I miss you, too, but I feel like our budget is out of control. I feel so much pressure to earn money. I hate this as much as you do, maybe more. What can we do?”  Who on earth would not respond to this kind of communication?

            While you may have missed the opportunities in your marriage to establish real communication, there is value in understanding where those little mis-steps occurred that ultimately pushed you over the cliff.

This is an excerpt from Making Divorce Work:  8 Essential Keys to Resolving Conflict and Rebuilding Your Life.

Diana Mercer is an Attorney-Mediator and the founder of Peace Talks Mediation Services, www.peace-talks.com. She is the co-author of Making Divorce Work: 8 Essential Keys to Resolving Conflict and Rebuilding Your Life (Penguin/Perigee 2010), Your Divorce Advisor:  A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001) and 8 Simple Keys to Building and Growing Your Mediation or Arbitration Practice (Peace Talks Press 2011).  Diana also writes for the Huffington Post as well as her own blog Making Divorce Work.

Low Cost Divorce

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Shared Custody Schedules

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Shared Custody Schedules.  When you've been married you've been parenting together, the idea of seeing your kids on a schedule probably seems pretty foreign.

It's a divorce and separation reality, however.

There are a few things to keep in mind to help you be successful at shared, cooperative co-parenting:

• It will take some time for everyone to adjust, including you.  Give yourself some time to get used to sharing parenting.
• Sometimes kids will say different things to each parent. Sometimes they'll do it to test you, and your reaction.
• Some of the separation anxiety kids experience is normal and it would happen even if you weren't divorced. Try and keep some perspective, and don't be afraid to talk to your kids about what they're going through.

Shared custody schedules are as unique as each family. You'll read about guidelines in books and on web sites, but your parenting plan needs to fit your family, no someone else's. So don't be afraid to deviate from what the experts say if you know it will work. And, if it doesn't work, you can always adjust the schedule.

Here are some popular shared custody schedules:

Split Week Plan for parents sharing children on weekdays and weekend. You'll also hear this called the 2-2-5 plan because kids are with one parent 2 days, the other parent 2 days, and then 5 days with the 1st parent...then vice versa.                      

What we like about this schedule:

• Good for children under age 5 who have good attachment to both parents.
• Works for even-keeled children between ages of 5 to 12.
• This is a regularly recurring and consistent plan. Nobody goes too long without seeing either kids or parents.

What we don't like about this schedule:

• For kids under age 5, this plan may require the child to be away from one parent for too long.  If you like this schedule, you could break up the 5 day stretch with some time with the other parent.  
• If the situation is high conflict, there are a lot of transitions between households. High conflict transitions are particularly stressful for  immature and special needs kids.

Alternating Week Plan .  You'll also hear this called "week on, week off"

What we like about this plan:

• Works for children over age 7, since they understand the concept of a “week.”
• Older kids like teens and pre-teens tend to like this plan because it requires fewer transitions.

What we don't like about this plan:

• 7 days is a long time not to see your kids, or for your kids to see you.  Consider breaking up the 7 day stretch with some time with the other parent.
• If the situation is higher-conflict, you might try and schedule that "in between time" at school or an activity where both parents won't be face to face.  

So these are some guidelines, but we encourage you to think about your own child's needs, temperment, and your schedule.

Talking About Prenuptial Agreements

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It doesn't matter what you call it:  Prenup, premarital agreement, prenuptial agreement......doesn't make the discussion any easier.

Honestly, it's not as much about the written document as it is about the disucssion. I'm convinced that if you have the discussion, and talk about all the topics, that you may or may not need the written document (don't tell my lawyer colleagues I said that). Premarital Discussion Checklist.

Prenup pros and cons...

I've been a divorce lawyer a long time (23 years!), youthful appearance notwithstanding.

I know a lot about what ruins marriages. And while I don't know everything, I've certainly seen some patterns over the years.

Let's forget the lawyer stuff for a minute.

If you were my BFF , this is what I'd tell you:

Money discussions are hard.  But if you're going to be married for any length of time, there are going to be lots of hard things that you'll need to deal with as a couple.

And the tough stuff either brings you closer, or it breaks you apart.

Think the divorce rate is already high?  It's much higher for parents of special needs children, sick children, and children who are injured in accidents.

Wondering what triggers divorce?  In any marriage that ends in divorce, the seeds of the divorce are planted long, long before the divorce actually happens. Deciding to divorce doesn't just happen out of the blue (and neither do affairs, being a work-a-holic or addicted to anything and everything).  The breakdown of a marriage is an erosion. 

But if you want to talk about the ordinary life events that seem to burst the dam on the marriage (after the erosion has been going on awhile) I can tell you that we see a lot of couples in divorce mediation who have been through a re-evaluation process after a big event or change.  Cancer patients in remission who don't want to spend the rest of their lives in this marriage.  Adult children whose parents have died, and the death of the parent has caused them to re-evaluate their lives.

These are just 2 examples, but I think you get the picture.

So if you can't talk about money and property and who pays for what before you're married, how are you supposed to talk about any of this other stuff, these adult rites of passage, which have a 100% chance of happening to you or your spouse at some point?

As someone who's done 4000 divorces, I know you've got to talk about this stuff and either get on the same page with it or agree to disagree (and still get married).

 The folks we see who get into trouble avoid hard discussions, particularly about money and how they feel about property they inherit or owned before the marriage.

They go along to get along...not knowing that what they're really doing is starting the journey down the slippery slope. Some get lucky, I know, and never run out of money or never face hard challenges. We don't see those people in our divorce mediation practice. But all too often we see regrets, misgivings, secrets, and "I thought we agreed on this" when they never even talked about it.

You don't have to agree on everything. But you do need to know how to handle hard discussions and differences of opinions.

As you get older, you'll weather a lot of storms together----sick parents, deaths, illnesses, job loss, business downturns (or quick upturns---all stress is stressful, even good stress like dealing with too much success too fast). You need the foundation of we can talk about anything to be able to get through.

So this prenup discussion is really the tip of the iceberg.

And even if you don't want to do a written agreement, you still need to have the discussion.  It's the discussion that's the most important part.

A checklist of premarital issues will get the communication started.

Divorce in California

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California has its own personality with divorce.  One of only 9 states that follows Community Property law, California seems intent on doing things its own way.

But a divorce in California doesn't need to be complicated. At least not the legal part.

Mediation provides a way for couples to get divorced in a respectful, thoughtful and informed way without "giving away the farm."

Because California community property law is so simple:  everything is 50/50 from the date of the marriage until the date of separation (assets, debts, everything), the complex part becomes all about the exceptions to the very simple rule.  And there are plenty of exceptions.

What I like about mediation, at least mediation with an attorney-mediator, is that you can talk about the rules and the exceptions, and the laws and case law that supports each side in a very open way.  When we have these legal discussions at Peace Talks, if it's something clear-cut under the law, we can give people a copy of the law, or a handout that explains. 

If it's something more complicated, I can say, "If I was husband's attorney, this is what I would argue, and here's the law that supports his position," and then, in the same breath, "If I was wife's attorney, this is what I would argue, and here's the law that supports her position."

Once everyone has heard both sides, we can then talk about what seems fair. 

The problem with going to only 1 attorney, individually, is that you'd just hear the argument that favored your side, while your spouse would be in another attorney's office hearing the argument that favors the other side.  See the issue?

I'm convinced that when people have the information, time, and support that they need to make a good decision, that they will make a good decision.  And that's what mediation is all about.

Sometimes I hear criticism of mediation, like that a participant is feeling like the mediator is taking sides, or that their position isn't being heard.  Speak up!  Part of a mediator's job is to make sure you don't feel that way, but sometimes it's not clear from the discussion that someone is uncomfortable.  Bring it up!  It's really important to the process, and your mediator WANTS to hear that you feel like the mediation isn't working.  It's much easier to fix that problem in the session, while you're there with the mediator, than afterwards.

If you do speak up and your mediator gets defensive, then maybe it's time to switch mediators.  It's the mediator's job to hear everyone's side and where they're coming from, even if the mediator doesn't personally agree. After all, it's about the clients and participants, not about the mediator.

Want to learn more about mediation?  Check out these resources, or schedule an appointment with a Peace Talks Mediator:

About mediation

FAQ about mediation

Pros and Cons of Mediation

Family Mediation and "Failure"

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A client told me this week, "I think that divorce is one of the great failings of adulthood." 

If it was only that simple.

Let's face it. We fail a lot of the time. And if we never fail, it means we're not taking enough chances and not trying enough new things.  People who never fail are failing to challenge themselves.

Of course, nobody opts into the divorce system on purpose.  When you get married, you think it's for keeps. Divorce is definitely not Plan A. It's probably not even Plan B or Plan C.  But when it happens to you, you have a choice of how you handle it. 

You can scorch the earth, gossip to all your mutual friends, and slash your spouse's tires.  That's one way. It's actually more popular than it should be.

But as a responsible adult (which this client is) you can choose to deal with divorce and other unfortunate things that happen in a respectful, sane way.  Click to find out how Family Mediation works.  There are so many choices for divorce nowadays that running to a lawyer isn't necessary.

As much as he felt he'd failed, or that his spouse had failed, in creating a lasting marriage, ultimately he didn't fail to be a responsible adult.  

There are some things in life that we can control and some things we can't.  What we can control is our reaction, and actions, once these things happen.  And this is where he succeeded.  He could've run off to court, but he chose to mediate. And when the discussion was difficult, he didn't give up. He kept coming back to mediation...and ultimately, this couple figured it out.

Bad things happen to good people.  They happen all the time.  My mom, the kindest, gentlest person in the world, died of cancer in 2010.  My friend who adopted a drug-addicted baby from foster care has a brain tumor. The bad things that happen are not necessarily because you failed.

And even if you did fail, the measure of a person's character is how you deal with that failure, not the fact that you failed.

• Did you do everything you could to save your marriage? 
• Did you speak frankly and respectfully to your spouse about your marital problems?
• Did you seek counseling or outside help?

And if none of that worked, did you leave your marriage in an honest, honorable, respectful way?

Family mediation gives you the opportunity to do exactly that.  You can honor the years you spent together and the good things you gave each other when you mediate your divorce.   Sure, the last couple of years probably haven't been so good, but you got married because you were in love (or at least you thought that you'd be a lasting couple) so surely there were some good times.

And if you have children, certainly they are part of the gifts you gave each other.

Divorce and Graphotherapy

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Divorce and Graphotherapy

Guest blog post by Sheila Lowe, MS www.sheilalowe.com

Divorce sucks. No point denying it. Whether you’ve grown to hate the person you once loved or the parting is amicable, when it comes to ending it all, you still have to grieve for the hopes and dreams you once shared. It’s stressful, it’s painful, and there are plenty of difficult feelings to deal with. But there is a way to make some of it just a little bit easier.

In my work as a handwriting analyst, I’ve found that people in stressful situations such as divorce have been helped by doing a few simple exercises called graphotherapy. Some exercises help difficult emotions come to the surface for release. Others help the brain to focus and attend better, so that when you’re filling out all that paperwork and figuring out who gets what, you won’t miss any important details.

Graphotherapy works because everything you’ve ever done or thought or said remains in your brain, and when you pick up a pen and write, the way you’ve responded to all your life experiences and integrated them into your personality is translated into the trail of ink you leave on the paper.

Your handwriting is unique to you—after all, you’re the only one who’s had your particular set of experiences. Over time, as you grow and change, your handwriting also changes. Temporary changes occur, too. You’ve probably noticed that when you’re under stress, your handwriting looks somewhat different than when you’re relaxed. So it is correct to say that handwriting will reflect your state at the time you write it, and graphotherapy is an easy, effective means to change your state.

In addition to the exercises, writing positive statements such as, “I release all negative thoughts and judgments of others,” or, “I like who I am around other people,” anchors the thoughts you are expressing with the behavior (the graphotherapy exercises), and creates new neural pathways in your brain. Adding music provides another level of anchoring and results in actual changes in brain function, making the new behaviors last.

There are numerous and varied graphotherapy exercises, but for our purposes we’ll select some that help with alertness, concentration and memory (those in the left column), and some for relaxing and bringing out creativity (those in the right column).

Choose one or two exercises to copy, depending on what you feel you need most at the time. Now, find a comfortable area to seat yourself, with a large, flat writing space and enough room to move your arms freely. Play music in the background as you do the exercises. Vivaldi’s Four Seasons and Pachelbel’s Canon are good choices. Close your eyes and listen to the music for at least sixty seconds, at the same time visualizing yourself having successfully completed what you want to accomplish.

Now, open your eyes and take a deep cleansing breath to the count of 1-2-3-4-5 and then let it all out 1-2-3. Next, fill a sheet of paper with each exercise you’ve chosen. Use lined or graph paper in order to make the drawings consistent (but don’t try to make them perfect). When you’ve done several rows of exercises, write some affirmations that support your goals. Keep at it for about ten minutes. When you’re finished you’ll find you’re more relaxed and centered.

I’ve seen some amazing results when clients have tried graphotherapy, and I use it myself when I’m in a bad place. I’d love to hear your experiences if you decide to give it a try: sheila@sheilalowe.com

Sheila Lowe, MS is a handwriting analyst and published author with more than 40 years experience. She testifies in cases where signatures or other handwriting are called into question. Www.sheilalowe.com

Divorce and the Economy

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At what price sanity?

I'm no stranger to divorce during bad financial times.  I was admitted to the bar in 1988, during a huge financial downturn. Pretty quickly after that, there was a huge mortgage meltdown, sort of like what's happening now, and everyone's house was upside down (they owed more than it was worth).

This time is different, however.  Back in the day, most of my clients who were broke simply moved back to their parents' house. Nowadays, that just doesn't seem to be happening as much. Instead, people continue to try to live together to save money.

It sounds like such a good idea--let's just decide how to divide the bills and stay out of each other's way, and we'll just stay in the same apartment or house until the economy improves.  And if you weren't invovled in a love relationship that's gone south, it probably would be a good idea.

What people don't anticipate is that once you've decided that the love relationship is over, and separation or divorce is imminent, it gets harder and harder to live together like roommates.  Because you're not roommates. You're former partners. And as much as I've gotten into fights with roommates (my freshman dorm roommate who addicted to the Oak Ridge Boys comes to mind) they're nothing like the kinds of fights we can get into with people we've been intimate with, and people with whom we started to build dreams.

There's a big difference.

So in the mediation room, we hear, "Oh no, we'll be fine living together, don't worry!" and we respond, "That might be true for you, but I've got to tell you, our experience is that one day we're going to get a call from one of you telling us the other person is in jail because you had a fight and someone called the police."

And most of the time, we're right.

It's really sad. "I didn't mean to have her arrested!" our client protests. "You can thank OJ Simpson for the automatic arrest rule," we reply.  Let's face it. If it's urgent and important enough to call 911, surely someone ought to be arrested or in an ambulance. Right? 

It makes sense when you think about it.

So when you're pinching pennies in your divorce (which is a good idea) be careful to think about the potential fallout from cutting back on that particular item.  Would you rather couch surf, or spend the night in lockup?

If you pick a bargain lawyer, mediator or therapist, are you really getting the kind of service that will serve your long term goals?

If you refuse to spend money on accountants or appraisals the professionals helping you with your case tell you you need, you're saving money now, but will it save you or cost you in the long run?

And don't forget the non-direct monetary costs.

Do you think it's random bad luck that a huge percentage of our divorcing clients have recently lost their jobs? Of course, we're in the middle of a terrible economic time, but if these folks had been less embroiled in their divorce fight and more engaged at their jobs, would they have been the ones laid off? 

Can your credit score rebound from "I'm not paying the credit card this month, YOU are!" type of fights?

Can your kids rebound from your fight at their soccer game in front of their friends?

So when you consider the cost of divorce, also consider your short and long term divorce goals.

Diana Mercer is a mediator with Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc., and the co-author of Making Divorce Work (Penguin 2010).

The Tale of 2 Blogs: Mediation

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For those of you who've found this blog, but not the Making Divorce Work blog, I actually maintain 2 blogs. This one, the Peace Talks blog, is pretty straightforward. Mostly mediation and legal information and advice, in a sort of op-ed type format. The 2nd blog is much more personal.

I've found that as a mediator, the more personal I get with people the better success rate I have.  I actually do care about clients (contrasted with my feelings about my litigation clients, with few exceptions, 15 years ago). 

So for the 411, the Peace Talks blog is the place. This is the mediator whose articles you'll read:

 For insight into what really goes on at the office, and inside my head, check out the Making Divorce Work blog. This is the person whose blogs you'll read:

Sincerely (and I do mean that),

Diana Mercer