Causes of Divorce
Posted by Diana Mercer on Mon, Feb 13, 2012 @ 04:24 PM
What Causes Divorce?
You hear a lot about the reasons marriages end. Usually, fingers point to affairs or money. But marriages don’t end because of events. In 23 years of practice, we have found that divorce occurs when a couple has turned from one another and looked for satisfaction outside of the marriage. We call this turning. Turning is the cause of divorce.
If you are the one who asked for your divorce, it may be clear to you why your marriage is ending. If you are the still-loving partner and didn’t want the divorce, looking back for the signs that led up to your spouse wanting the divorce will become clearer to you as you reflect. Marriages fall apart like erosion. The breakdown started slowly with one tiny misstep after another, until the sum of these became so large that the relationship collapsed.
Looking back at the deterioration of your marriage is takes courage. But understanding what happens to typical couples, and what happened to you, can help normalize the situation for you, and this will allow you to move on If you initiated the divorce, you’ll have a more clear understanding of why. And if you didn’t, the process will help you appreciate that this isn’t a sudden, single event which could have been prevented. Turning happened before either of you saw the signs or understood their gravity.
Though the particulars vary from couple to couple, there is a predictable sequence of events that occur as a marriage breaks down. While you’re in it, it’s difficult or even impossible to see. As outsiders, we can identify the turns—where he turned into a workaholic and she turned to redecorating the house, or when he spent all of his time coaching baseball and she spent hers lobbying for a promotion. When spouses turn outside the marriage for satisfaction, it’s not always to drugs and sex. Often it’s something innocuous or even something positive, like working hard or focusing on the kids. But it’s turning all the same.
Turning is insidious and incremental, like erosion. If you’d seen it coming, either of you might have been able to stop it. Or if you saw a glimmer, you didn’t know what it was or how damaging it could be. Turning happens, and it’s nobody’s fault
Plenty of couples fight from time to time. Healthy arguing can be a valid and effective way for many couples to solve problems. Conflict alone doesn’t indicate that a marriage is headed for divorce. Some couples even enjoy fighting and making up.
Forget fighting. It is very unlikely to be the real issue. Couples get into trouble because they can’t resolve how to help each other get their needs met. At this point, the fights may involve a lot of blaming and shaming. “You always go to bed two hours before I do so we aren’t having sex during the week any more,” she says. “Yeah, well if you worked, I wouldn’t have to put in all this overtime and be so exhausted,” he counters. The fight is a red herring but it does give valuable clues into what’s really going on, even if it’s not the issue which is stated.
Think of the argument above. She’s complaining that he goes to bed too early, but what she’s really saying is you aren’t paying any attention to me anymore. His response blames her for not working, but what he’s really saying is I feel so much pressure to earn money that I don’t have any energy left over for anything else. Help me! But because of the blame, shame and guilt overtones, this couple doesn’t hear their partner’s real concerns as a result, they failed to communicate what the other really needs to hear. If her statement had been “I am so lonely. I love you so much and I miss you because you work all the time,” and if his statement had been, “I miss you, too, but I feel like our budget is out of control. I feel so much pressure to earn money. I hate this as much as you do, maybe more. What can we do?” Who on earth would not respond to this kind of communication?
While you may have missed the opportunities in your marriage to establish real communication, there is value in understanding where those little mis-steps occurred that ultimately pushed you over the cliff.
This is an excerpt from Making Divorce Work: 8 Essential Keys to Resolving Conflict and Rebuilding Your Life.
Diana Mercer is an Attorney-Mediator and the founder of Peace Talks Mediation Services, www.peace-talks.com. She is the co-author of Making Divorce Work: 8 Essential Keys to Resolving Conflict and Rebuilding Your Life (Penguin/Perigee 2010), Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001) and 8 Simple Keys to Building and Growing Your Mediation or Arbitration Practice (Peace Talks Press 2011). Diana also writes for the Huffington Post as well as her own blog Making Divorce Work.